Anger often carries a negative reputation. It’s commonly mistaken for cruelty, aggression, or a lack of self-control. However, anger is simply an emotion - one as natural as joy, sadness, or fear. Feeling angry doesn’t make you a mean person; it makes you human.
Why We Fear Anger
Many of us grew up in environments where anger was either explosively harmful or completely suppressed. Perhaps we witnessed adults lashing out destructively, or we were taught that “good” people don’t get angry. This can create deep discomfort with the emotion, making us believe that feeling angry means we are bad or out of control.
But the problem isn’t with anger itself - it’s how we express or suppress it that matters.
The Purpose of Anger
Anger functions as an internal alarm system. It signals when something feels unfair, when a boundary has been crossed, or when we are feeling unheard. It’s a call to action, indicating that something needs to change. In many ways, anger serves as a protective force - it motivates us to stand up for ourselves and others.
When channeled appropriately, anger can fuel advocacy, assertiveness, and difficult but necessary conversations. It helps us correct injustices and establish clear boundaries. Without it, we might tolerate harmful situations far longer than we should.
Anger vs. Meanness
Meanness, on the other hand, is an intentional act aimed at harming, demeaning, or controlling others. Anger, in contrast, is a natural response to a trigger—it doesn’t arise from a desire to hurt.
For example, if someone raises their voice in frustration during a disagreement, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re being mean; it may simply reflect feeling strongly or overwhelmed in the moment. However, how that emotion is expressed still matters—raising one’s voice can be intimidating, and its impact should be considered.
If frustration turns into insults or personal attacks, that’s when it crosses into meanness. The key difference lies in the intention behind the emotion and the behavior that follows.
It’s Not Just Anger: How Other Emotions Lead to Aggression
While anger is often blamed for aggressive behaviour, it’s not the only emotion that can drive someone to lash out. Other difficult emotions - such as shame, guilt, and fear - can also contribute to aggression, especially when they remain unacknowledged.
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Shame - When people feel exposed, humiliated, or deeply unworthy, they may lash out defensively, attacking others to deflect attention from their own pain.
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Guilt - When guilt becomes overwhelming, it can turn into irritability or defensiveness, especially if someone feels accused or judged.
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Fear - When someone feels threatened (whether physically or emotionally), they may react aggressively as a way to protect themselves, even if the threat is only perceived.
Recognizing these emotions and their impact can help prevent misdirected aggression and foster healthier emotional processing.
EMDR is a fast and effective way to desensitize the root of these emotions, helping you feel more regulated in the moment and giving you a better chance to respond rather than react.
Healthy Ways to Express Anger
Since anger is a natural and necessary emotion, the goal isn’t to eliminate it - it’s to express it in ways that are constructive rather than destructive. Here are some ideas to get you started:
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Acknowledge it - Rather than suppressing or lashing out, recognize when you are feeling angry and name the emotion.
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Pause before reacting - Take a deep breath or step away to prevent impulsive reactions you might later regret.
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Identify the source - Understand the root cause of your anger. What boundary was crossed? What expectation was unmet? Is your frustration tied to the present moment, or does it echo a past experience? This helps direct your anger more effectively.
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Communicate assertively - Use “I” statements to express how you feel. Instead of saying “You never listen to me” try “I feel unheard when I am interrupted.”
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Channel it productively - Engage in physical activity, go for a walk, journal, or talk to a trusted friend to help process what you are feeling in a healthy way.
Embracing Anger Without Shame
You don’t need to fear or reject your anger - it’s a valid emotional response. The key is to understand its role, respect its message, and use it in a way that aligns with your values.
So, the next time you feel angry, remind yourself: this doesn’t make me mean. It makes me aware. And awareness is a powerful thing.
Looking to Learn More About this Topic?
For those looking to break the cycle and manage anger more effectively, McKay and Rogers’ Anger Control Workbook offers practical exercises, worksheets, and strategies to promote healthier responses.
I also highly recommend Katie O’Shea’s work on emotions and EMDR. Two of my favourite resources are:
Do you struggle with reactivity and impulsiveness when you're angry, or find that feelings of resentment or fear influence your responses?
Consider booking an appointment to work through the past hurts that may still be affecting how you respond today.
